“Oh, really?” I asked, “How do you show Him that you love Him?”

His matter-of-fact response made me smile. “By coloring Him a picture.”

My 5-year-old was listening from the other room and joined in on our conversation. “We show God we love Him by loving other people.”

“And especially by loving the people in our family,” added my 6-year-old. I agreed with my boys, thankful they were learning this foundational truth at such young ages.

You see, I did not learn this truth as a child. I always tried to prove my love for the Lord by doing all the right things, especially by filling my mind with Bible knowledge and sharing what I had learned with others. I was thorough, faithful and sincere in my studying and memorizing of the Word, for example, passages like this one in Matthew 22:36-39:

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

And this one in Psalm 119:11:

“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.”

Now,  I knew it was right for me to read and study my Bible, but I was just doing it with a wrong motivation. The problem was that I had only hidden His Word in my head. It lacked the power to transform my heart, because it was not established there. My dedication to the Word may have given the appearance that I loved God, but I had never been motivated by love in my studies. I was motivated by self-righteousness as I performed my duty in an attempt to prove my love. I was doing it in my flesh [self-ways], and I was failing miserably. Despite the sincerity of my efforts and the diligence of my studies, I had fallen far short of His perfect standard—a life of love. The truth was not hidden from the Lord. He knew that the attitudes, motivations and intentions of my heart were unloving. I did not even know God even though I thought I did.

“Whoever does not love does not know God” (1 John 4:8).

But that all began to change when I learned the principles in Marilyn Howshall’ s newest book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.

I discovered that I needed to learn how to love, and that God wanted me to start with my husband and children. But didn’t He know that they were the very hardest people for me to love? They couldn’t be fooled by my Sunday smile and my upbeat phone voice. They saw beyond the appearance that I put on for others to see, beyond the hypocrisy of my false personality to the selfish me, in all of the ugliness of my unloving ways. They were the ones who had experienced the deep wounds that I had inflicted day after day through my self-centered ways of relating—my sarcasm, angry outbursts, blame, condemnation, cutting remarks, shame, irritation, unrealistic expectations, impatience, intolerance, disapproval and emotional distancing.

Now wait a minute. Was I really this unloving, this sinful in the way that I related to my family? Well, there are some people who would say that I am just beating myself up and that I was never this ugly. All I can say is that either they never knew the selfish me or if they did, then my honesty about the true condition of my heart is a source of conviction to them. My husband and my children had experienced the reality of my self-centered ways. They knew the truth first hand.

I could never love God when I was not even willing to be the person who God had created me to be. He had created me to love like He loves—sacrificially and unconditionally, but I had chosen to be a source of death in my relationships. It was time for that to change. He was calling me to repent of my unloving ways and to be reconciled with my family.

How ridiculous it seems now to think that I could prove my love to the Lord by any of my acts of righteousness. How could I claim to love Him when I was not reflecting His perfect love in my own relationships? Could I really be in a right relationship with God when I hadn’t even made things right with my own family? The truth is clear:

“Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen” (1 John 4:20).

My children are young, but they have already experienced the powerful reality of reconciliation. They tell me that they like the new mommy a lot better than the old one, and I don’t blame them.

True change in my family only began to occur after I learned the truths in the book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith. As I apply these truths to my life, cooperating with what the Lord wants to do in me, He continues to transform my heart and to teach me how to love well and love much—beginning with my own family.

~ Christi Faagau

Eireen's first visit - July 2006

(This is a continuation from my previous blog post)

In all three of our cases, our future in-loves were drawn by the Lord to be parented by us. They wanted to be parented, and we were willing and able to step up to that responsibility, which we also considered an honor. They felt they belonged with our family, because they each had a relationship with all of us. When they had to go home (Poland, Texas, Michigan), it felt to all of us like part of us was missing. All three leavings were to return to their own families before there was any natural indication they would one day be part of ours.

goofing off - July 2006

Although, let me say that from a mother’s heart, the Spirit did ever-so-quietly speak, but that was for my own counsel to keep, and not for natural ears, not even for my children’s. I wanted them to discover and receive God’s will in their own hearts without human influence, until it was time for such. My children were accustomed to sharing their hearts with us, and since we were in unity, we could trust this process.

I was used to gently handling all such situations in cooperation with God, instead of trying to “make something happen.” I knew that if it was His will, all of us would be able to discern what the Spirit was doing, and it would become apparent that we had a role to play in cooperation with Him. God is so good to provide such whispers to our hearts.

Each of my children’s desire for their future spouse to receive heart-level parenting from their dad and me was so they would be mutually submitted in a marriage relationship made as one in Christ. They also wanted their future spouses to be as dear to our family as each of them were. This necessitated the parenting process or it really couldn’t have happened. This process worked beautifully and continues to work as all of our hearts are fully locked together in Christ’s love.

Aaron is one of our own precious sons, and likewise Eireen is one of our own sweet daughters, and she and I develop our own special relationship and together time just like I have with Kathryn and Jennifer. The boys also do things with dad when opportunity opens the way.

Aaron - 2007

We’ve taken great delight in getting to know our in-loves, and recognize it as a true gift from God that we had that precious opportunity. My children and in-loves’ hearts are still wide-open to ours, because ours are wide-open to them, and Jim and I are so grateful to have their friendship every day of our lives. We get to witness them grow their relationships, making them stronger for the past three years since they married in the Spring and Summer of 2008. We couldn’t be happier for how they continue to mature in their love, keeping Christ at the center.

my daughters - 2007

Why Not Make Your Own Heart-Level Plan?

God has a way of letting you know who is right for your precious ones. Just let your children know they don’t need to be afraid of God’s gift of provision. If your children are whole, God isn’t going to bring you inappropriately unhealthy people for your children to marry. In our case, both Aaron and Eireen responded quickly to spiritual-relational growth, and became a perfect fit for our family. Our hearts became locked together very quickly. This didn’t happen with any of the other young adults who came our way or who were friends for periods of time.

2007

God is interested in setting people into families, and even though they have relational dysfunctions, heart-level discipleship makes things right between people, and provides instruction for making a friendship a meaningful relationship that keeps Christ at the center. When your children meet someone they are attracted to in a relationship, encourage them to bring them home. This can prove if the other person’s intentions are honorable, and it proves the nature of the potential relationship as well. You will know if your heart is moved toward them in a parental role. I ministered to a lot of young adults over the years, but didn’t have the same degree of parental instinct or heart-level desire toward them that I did with Aaron, Eireen, and Mark. God knows who is a good fit for your family and will provide whisperings to your heart.

Jennifer - 2007

When Aaron and Eireen came back to live with us, their relationships with our children were carried out in front of us everyday, because we were living in the same home. By that time they were all becoming the best of friends and feeling very much a part of our family as well. It was therefore natural for the activity of the couples’ relationships—from beginning to end—to take place in our home. This activity included the private conversations each of them had with us to make certain they knew their own hearts before making open declarations to one another. The open “declaration of intent” to each other that would lead to an official engagement, and eventually culminate in marriage was also made in front of mom and dad. They went everywhere together as a group, but we also provided regular open alone times. Both couples decided to save their first kiss for their wedding day, and were thankfully successful! Thank You, Lord!

Some reading this might think these were humanly “arranged” marriages, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. The only “arranging” was done by the Lord himself. All the young people involved chose their own mates without our influence. We were quite able to confirm what we sensed was right for our children as we witnessed their friendships unfold, and so we confidently stepped in to cooperate with the Holy Spirit, to keep it holy, and to ensure the couples were well cared for in their new relationships.

John & Eireen - 2007

Both Aaron and Eireen were still in need of some measure of relational training, and so some of this shifted to Kathryn and John, and we continued in a guidance role with the couples individually, making sure they were addressing heart-level relating patterns as they learned to blend their lives together in many practical areas and ways of doing things.

This was necessary because of the “in-love” factor. We all know that when a couple is in love, they view their beloved through rose-tinted glasses, and they don’t necessarily want to address or even see what isn’t lovely.

Aaron & Kathryn - 2007

We made sure they were aware of potential problems they might have in the future if they didn’t address certain relating patterns now. They did surprisingly well even without our input, exercising wonderful maturity, and desiring holiness as much as we did. Both couples developed a habit from the first day to pray together each night sealing what God was doing, and committing everything in their lives to Him.

fun times - 2007

Some might think we set out intentionally to do the “courtship” or “betrothal” route. We didn’t. We never knew what our family’s process would look like until it began to unfold. However, just months before God sent Eireen to us, we had begun to discuss it as a family. Kathryn and John were ready to begin the next season of their lives, and had begun to pray for the Lord to send His gifts. We allowed the Holy Spirit to lead, guide, and instruct us along the way.

Life’s circumstances dictated much of the practical aspects of our living arrangement as far as Aaron and Eireen having lived with us for so long. Actually, we’re all really grateful the Lord brought it about that way, because it made us a family before the couples left to begin their own. We really were mom and dad, and they were our happily growing family.

The official engagements were joyful open family affairs, and both couples lived with us up until the weddings when they moved into their own homes. In all, Aaron and Eireen lived with us as a vital part of our family for two years before the weddings. They came into the same Love that drew our hearts together from the first.

family river hike - July 3, 2011

We had made the commitment to Jennifer to repeat a similar process with her future intended, since she really wanted the same holy and beautiful family experience for herself she had witnessed close up and had been so much a part of for her siblings.

Since Mark’s family lives nearby and our families are a part of each other’s lives, there is no need for Mark to actually live with us. He’s already relationally discipled at the heart-level and has a vital relationship with the Lord as well.

Jennifer & Mark's first couple's pic

We are so blessed that he continues to be submitted to receive from his parents as well as from Jim and me. As to Mark and Jennifer, their mutual activities with family and in community provide plenty of opportunity for them to know each other, and now they are being included in each other’s family outings and special events as well.

Each of these couples have their own stories to tell about how God spoke to them individually, and how God prepared them to receive His gift. I can only provide a surface sketch for you here since these relationships were born in truth and love, and therefore are beautifully personal and holy.

A Word about Dating

a walk in the park - April 2010

On another note, my husband and I always knew our children would never choose to date, because they had deep, meaningful relationships within our family. People who value people, don’t want to try them on for size, using them wrongly toward their own ends. Dating can help people learn habits of separation when faced with challenges in relationships they don’t know how to deal with.

Our family had never read any of the books available on the topics of dating and courtship. And so, when the time came for our children, we really didn’t have a name to call their pre-engagement relationship, and we didn’t want to box them in to a formula from a book.

2007

We all desired what is vital and life-giving from the Spirit. The couples themselves (since they weren’t dating and weren’t yet engaged) called it “courting” when they had the need to introduce their mate to people who didn’t know, but they assured them they “intended” to marry and were preparing for that.

As parents, our only intent was to make sure each one’s intended would receive parenting at the heart-level from both of us or they wouldn’t be joining our family. When they did, we became “mom and dad” and they became each other’s brothers and sisters and best friends, and still are today. However, they are much more than best friends. They watch out for each other’s practical as well as spiritual/relational needs and care very deeply for each other. They are fully submitted to God’s will as they mature in their open heart relationships.

We all patiently waited for God’s gifts of provision, and He was good to send.

My Ministry Today 

I continue to indirectly disciple other young families on a weekly basis through our local outreach program, and am invited to speak into some of their lives from time to time. I was taken by surprise when I realized that a few of them are the same ages as my own children (the age gap between me and the families I minister to keeps widening ; ). These wonderful young families have what the world would consider to be a measure of success and experience. But they have something more than that going for them. They are becoming self-educated as they have assumed responsibility for the education of their families. Yet, these precious families also have a measure of broken relationships.

The parents are sober in their desire to learn heart-level parenting of their children, but really didn’t understand what that meant when we first began our weekly meetings. They’ve been receiving instruction from us in how to submit to God’s heart-level parenting of themselves first. This idea sounds simple enough, but you’d be amazed at how many people really don’t understand what being parented by God at the heart-level really entails.

Most Christian marriage relationships are begun with little to no heart-level relational accountability, and so when the respective spouses begin a process of responding to the work God wants to do in their hearts, it tends to drag out a long time. For various, and uniquely personal reasons, they struggle to come into the reality Jesus wants for them, especially since the knowledge they have about Him can provide a false sense of knowing Him. What they really need is one-on-one heart-level parenting on a regular basis, and yet such a relationship is not even available to them.

Unless they willingly seek for that human accountability to secure their breakthroughs more quickly, God alone can provide the accountability for them through their conscience. This also sounds simple enough, but most people not only are not connected to their conscience with understanding at a relational level, but they also don’t usually choose such a humble path. When human accountability is absent, people tend to ignore the need to hold themselves accountable to their own conscience when it’s “just about” personal relational habits. 

This is a primary reason relational discipleship is so needed. If believer’s aren’t telling the truth to themselves, they are not telling the truth to God, and are unable to receive the correction and instruction they need from Him to live healthy lives. The foundational structure of discipleship is relational not informational, and yet many never receive such discipleship. They either perpetuate the lie they know Christ when they really only know about Him or frustrate their sincere efforts to live for Him for years to come.

You have the amazing opportunity as a parent to deepen your own relational practices with your family by allowing God to parent you at the heart-level. You don’t have to wait for your spouse, but just let God begin with you, and then as you parent your children as God parents you, God’s work will also overflow to your spouse. By the time your children are thinking about marriage, you will know how to help their future mates become parented by God too. My new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith, will help you find your way.

family birthday picnic and hike - July 3, 2011

God gave our family a unique, individual path to follow, and He will give your family one too. If your children are single adults, you can help them hear your thoughts on this, and see if you can together come up with a plan to reach the hearts of the friends they come to care about. May God bless you with wisdom and God’s amazing sacrificial love for your own precious family.

~ Marilyn

“Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of Himself to us. Love like that.” ~ Ephesians 5:2 The Message Bible

Immorality Common in Christian Homes

It’s interesting that although your daughter is sour, angry, and independent you feel relieved that she’s not doing anything immoral. I’ve been very interested to know what morality, and therefore immorality actually is.

From the Dictionary “morality” is about the habitual manners or conduct and personal behavior of people in relation to one another whose actions have a bearing on each other’s rights and happiness, and with reference to right and wrong.

This means that morality is about our customary actions in how we treat other people, and whether those actions are good or bad. It’s the quality of how people relate with each other, telling us that morality or immorality can be detected in all of our relational patterns of behavior. Your daughter’s angry, sour relational habits with the family indicate that she is actually habitually involved in immorality. Christians tend to think in error that immorality is limited to sexual sin or societal sin such as abortion.

In truth, very common relational interchanges reveal that immorality is at work in our homes, even Christian homes—bickering among the kids, offense and bitterness, irritation expressed in emotional distance or punishing gestures and facial features from you or from your kids, frustration expressed in angry outbursts, or teens doing small or large things against their parent’s wishes, resisting their instruction—all of these unloving relational behaviors are immoral.

Marilyn Howshall’s new book Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith will help you understand what biblical morality is and what needs to be done in order to effectively transfer biblical morality to our children, reconciling our relationships with our family and with the Lord. No one simply grows out of immoral relational behavior by getting older. We must instead repent and change the way we relate with one another, and lead our children to do the same.

Learn more about the book including the 8 challenging ideas presented, and sign up to receive email special offers at TransferMoralValues.com.

~Barbie Poling

No Longer Resisting our Values

When our children don’t want to do what we’ve taught them, and what we advise them to do that is good for them, then we are not being successful at transferring our values to them. Our children are not accepting and agreeing with the things we believe are right and wrong or good and bad.

All of us as parents have a system of values that we want to teach our children. As we’ve been raising our families, we’ve developed a sense of what we believe is right and what is wrong. Some of our values are solid and identifiable because we’ve thought them through or seen them as what we believe God wants for His people. These values we tend to consciously set out to communicate to our children or to steer our children toward adopting them. For instance, we’ve regularly reminded and communicated to our children that when they are interacting with other children, they need to be leaders toward right behavior, and not followers, just doing what everyone else is doing. We’ve talked to them purposefully and regularly about this value of ours.

Some of our values are more vague or even subconscious. They’re things that we hold as important, but we didn’t realize how important they are to us until they come up in the course of life. I remember once my dad getting me up at 2:00 in the morning to go with him on a two hour drive to meet up with Ted, a family friend who had car trouble on his way home from a trip.  We brought equipment to tow his disabled car back with us. On the way, I sleepily asked my dad, “Why are we doing this?”  My dad said, “Because I know Ted wouldn’t hesitate to do this for me.” My dad was letting me know of his value—what was right about treating his friend this way—even though he had never given me specific instruction in this sort of relating with friends, and I never heard him speak of anything like it at another time.

Sometimes our values come in the form of wise advice. Usually we see this happening as our children are grown or mostly grown, and they’re beginning to make their own decisions about life. We may have advice for them about the sort of job they’re choosing, or their living situation, or the romantic relationship they’re choosing, or the way they’re spending their money. The advice we give them reveals our values.

I remember when I started to see my oldest children reject some of our values. They were 13 and 14 at the time. In our home it was very subtle, and no one but me could tell it was happening at all. My children’s resistance to my instruction seemed to grow hardened and as a result, I felt like my efforts to convince them of what they ought to do needed to become more stern and strong. I felt like I was in a battle of wills and I was beginning to lose. I felt a bit helpless.

I remember seeing the same thing happening in the families around me; their children were hooking up with a non-Christian boyfriend or girlfriend, resisting their parents instruction with rolled eyes and dragging to obey, wanting life to be all about them, not caring how their demands effected the rest of the family, sneaking and hiding things, and even smoking.

I’m so blessed to have learned the principles in Marilyn Howshall’s new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.  I learned what I was doing to cause this breakdown in my relationship with my children, and how to change so that their hearts were turned toward mine and the Lord. I learned to embrace the biblical values I needed to transfer to my children, and as a result, we no longer have these sorts of undercurrents in our relationships, and I no longer feel the need to become increasingly harsh and stern. My house if full of teenagers now and this “normal” teenage behavior or resistance and independence is absolutely missing! Thank You Lord!

Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith is due to be released July 12^th, 2011.  Learn more about the book including excerpts from the first chapter at TransferMoralValues.com.

Peculiar Children, Unfit For the World 

2006 ~ Kathryn

I can so hear your heart in this concern since I went through similar questionings with the Lord early on. I too wondered if I was creating such peculiar children that they wouldn’t “fit” in this world or with anyone who didn’t have a similar background. And to be honest there was a brief period of time my children became disenchanted too, due to so many experiences around the country with dysfunctional peers who didn’t know how to have mutually caring relationships. Actually, truth be told, and as I’m certain you know, followers of Jesus Christ are supposed to be an ill-fit! People need to be reconciled to God and not the other way around!

Being a minister of the Gospel for 20 years, and a mom who has tended the garden of her children’s hearts, I prayed God would provide and prepare the ones who would one day join our family. Our family never wanted to be split apart since our purpose had always been together for the ministry God gave to us, and so this was a real concern that our children’s future partners wouldn’t take them away from this purpose, and what eventually would be a legacy for them, and in fact desire to be a part of it themselves. The good Lord kept His promises, and we are deeply grateful to have all our children around us today, and don’t take that for granted as we are acutely aware of God’s hand in it.

2006 ~ John

Looking For the Wrong Thing?

I can’t give any specific advice or even a formula for how to proceed, but I can tell you a bit of my own story, in the hopes you might get a glimpse into or inspiration for how to help your children prepare to receive God’s gift to them.

Perhaps, parents and young adults look for the wrong things when viewing the landscape of potential mates. I don’t believe it’s something to look for in the natural, except for the self-government toward responsibility we want to see demonstrated in a potential mate. As to unique values, I’m saying that if they pursue Bible knowledge, have a particular style of clothing, they’ve been homeschooled, like church activity or if they want to be in ministry, none of these are an indication they would make a faithful and appropriate mate. Rather, it’s a heart preparation—more specifically, an open heart to God—even if the person is yet lost, but still a work that God is involved in as He turns the heart toward Himself and toward human accountability. The Lord knows if someone is teachable at the heart-level no matter what sort of upbringing they’ve had. The Lord knows if someone wants to be interdependent within a strong family unit instead of living their own lives independent of any accountability. And the Lord knows if someone wants to be parented.

2006 ~ the only week no one was living with us

This was my adopted daughter (my niece by birth), Jennifer’s, story. Her heart’s cry was to be in a real family. This prompted the state to run a search to find my mother’s family and see if there was any chance someone might want to take her in. She and her brothers had been in foster care for two years, and yet no one in my family knew of it. The state was planning on setting her up in an apartment with a job, because she was turning fifteen and had to be processed out of the system. But the cry of her heart got God’s attention, and He answered her even though she didn’t know anything about Him, and had never been around Christians, and in fact had heard many expressions of dishonor against God her whole life. She responded to God’s love through her new family, and in time received His abundant healing for her life. She grew in wisdom and eventually assumed responsibility to acquire for herself an education. She doesn’t in any way resemble the sad, messed up girl who came to live with us. She is a new person in Christ and virtually all the grave clothes of her past have been gone from her soul for several years.

Summer 2008

God knows how to change people, and He knows who to send to your family, and so what I’m suggesting has never given me cause for concern, since the Lord instructed me well in how to cooperate with Him to bring people who have a true heart for Him into that heart-level process for their lives. To be quite honest with you, I never hoped for future partners for my children who had been homeschooled or even who were churched. Jim and I are first generation Christians, and so we understand what it takes to become real, authentic Christians. Religious upbringings that are often carried out in legalism, make it really hard for people to see their need for a Savior. And lives that have been covered in “christian” activities can often be a cover up for having never come into authentic reality, while anesthetizing them from the hard work of maturing. The Kingdom of Christ is established and functions relationally only at the heart-level, and apart from this grounding all other activity that is considered to be Christian or spiritual is suspect. I’m just saying, the appearance of righteousness is hardly a guarantee our children will make a good marriage.

Directing My Children’s Hopes 

2008 ~ engaged couples and Jennifer

I began communicating to my children when they were young adults that they too must not look at the outside appearance or upbringing of a person as an indication of their heart’s response to God’s hand of providence on their life. They came to understand that whoever God sent would probably have a measure of messy relational stuff that needed to be addressed since most people are not truly parented at the heart-level, nor do most Christians receive heart-level parenting by God. However, I assured them that we would parent them before they were allowed to enjoy more than a family group-style relationship with our children that was open with intent toward a couple relationship.

I do wish to clarify that when Aaron, my son-in-love, and Eireen, my daughter-in-love, came to visit, it wasn’t because they came searching for a future mate. We had already cultivated a lifestyle of reaching out to people, and I had many years of experience ministering to heart-level needs. Any parent who learns how to work in their own children’s hearts, and sustains that work for the duration of maturation into adulthood can also reach out and do similar works in the lives of others who want to make their lives whole.

I write about this heart-level parenting in the new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith. I’ve been able to minister to others at this personal heart level not because I am in ministry, and so am “gifted” to do so, but because it is the same way I parented my own children as I received deep heart-level parenting from God. Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith can help you to see your need for God’s parenting in your own life so you can learn to disciple your children as you parent them, and in turn learn to disciple others that the Lord brings to you.

By the time Aaron and Eireen came to visit I was very comfortable reaching them and ministering to their true heart-level needs in truth-telling with correction and instruction. Even my children were comfortable being heart-level friends with them, helping them to understand many relational issues. Our whole family was ministering to them as we had done for others through the years.

September 2006 ~ Aaron

Here were some of our relational goals for Aaron and Eireen: Since they came to receive for deeper relational needs, they became friends with our whole family first, learning how to relate properly in a mature way. They came to know how to work out misunderstandings quickly, and to be willing to examine all unloving behaviors and put them away, so they could learn how to love the way God loves us. This is the way our family had been relating with each other for many years. They were encouraged to move their own spiritual growth forward, becoming self-governed, learning how to receive God’s grace from us in humility, repentance and forgiveness, becoming reconciled with proper understanding of how their actions hurt others. They also had to learn how to make things right, by taking proper actions of change toward us. There has never been any resistance of heart from them, only willingness to learn, grow, and change, allowing God to work.

July 2006 ~ Eireen

It’s my belief (and my experience) that if a young adult will not receive heart-level parenting (true discipleship) then he will not receive from a spouse, and certainly not from God. He will continue to live an independent life until the Lord gets his attention another way. And when he does consistently receive, then he is proving to be secured in and established in a real relationship with God, and will continue to hold himself accountable to his human relationships as well.

A Heart-Level Plan

Kathryn and John both embraced that plan, and so when Aaron and Eireen came to stay with us the second time, and it became clear that more serious interests were beginning to form, our plan was set in motion rather instantly. God sent these two precious ones from two very different background experiences.

Aaron came to us from a life of broken relationships. Even though he was homeschooled, his religious upbringing had a legalistic foundation. His experience couldn’t have been more different from that of Kathryn and John’s. He had been struggling to find reality, and had never truly embraced the perverse thinking and false gospel that comes with legalistic training. I spent an initial 5-weeks during his first visit to us helping him come to know himself, get in touch with his own heart-level and relational responsibilities, become reconciled with God, and get established in right relating practices within our family, and then continued in this spiritual parenting role more sporadically for a few months more, before there was any open talk of a possible relationship with my daughter. Aaron had a deep desire to be parented, to be known, to be understood, and to be loved. He continues to hold himself accountable to all of his relationships, and he makes my daughter very happy. He is as much a son to us as our own children.

June 2010 ~ Camping

Eireen is from Poland, was public schooled, had a college degree, and was working on a second one. She was brought up in a Catholic home, but she was still lost, lonely, and hungry for true parenting. Her lifestyle couldn’t have been further from the lifestyle my children had known and loved. My daughter, Kathryn, began a relational discipling process by befriending her, speaking truth to her, praying for her, and sacrificially sowing into her life. When she came for her initial 3-month visit to us, she also received from me. This was all before there was any interest or talk of a relationship with my son, John. In fact, it was the final week of her visit when John approached us with his desire to develop a one-on-one friendship with her.

Jennifer patiently waited a bit longer, completely holding to the same plan nearly three years after her siblings’ weddings, and trusting God to bring it about for her. And now we also have Mark who is Jennifer’s intended. Mark has been a long time family friend and lived with our family for nearly half a year about eleven years ago. He has received heart-level parenting from Jim and me periodically ever since then. Mark has been a close friend with my children all these years.

In the second part of this story, I’ll tell you more of how we carried out our plan.

Blessings of God’s inspiration to you as you ponder these words for your own family.

~ Marilyn

Widespread Unbiblical Attitudes that Create Parenting Loop-Holes

Parents who are experiencing brokenness in their family relationships and feel out of control of the unwise choices their children make, have to explain it to themselves in some form or fashion. And since bad or mixed fruit in Christian families is so common, it’s easy to assume we will all have to eventually accept it for our own family too. However, this widespread attitude, and others like it, is certainly a lie from the enemy. Let’s look at some of the other lies parents believe.

•  “Parents have no control over how their children turn out.”

Proverbs 22:6 tells us this is not so. “Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it.” TAB (I provide an examination of the word “train” in my new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.)

•  “Children have to challenge their parents values and beliefs eventually.”

There is a difference between arguing in resistance against a parent, and a genuine desire to understand a way of thinking. Resistance to parents points to the moral quality of the relationship that has a measure of brokenness and misunderstandings that need to be reconciled. (I provide a discussion and practical working definition of morality in my new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.)

•  “It’s not up to the parent to work in their children’s hearts. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job.”

Deuteronomy 6:1-7 tells us differently. In fact God gives us very specific instruction for how we are to work in our children’s hearts. (I devote an entire chapter to discussion of this passage in my new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.)

•  “Parents can do all the ‘right’ things and still be unsettled by their children’s unwise choices.”

Good parents do a lot of right things in the practical and natural while still neglecting the heart, which is the seat of conscience, the place character is formed, and the place of intimate relational bonds. To unlock heart-level dynamic between parent and child, the parent must first be willing to submit to being parented by God. (In my new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith, I explain the process in which God wants us to engage with Him that will empower us to parent for Him.)

•  “Children are supposed to ‘find their own way’ because it will ‘make them stronger.’”

Unlovingly releasing children to their own wisdom will not make them stronger only harder, and increasingly more confused as they adopt a mixture of ideas in their effort to figure out life. They are forced to form their own particular relational morality. We don’t understand the heart-level work required that provides children with their true identity in Christ, and true maturity in character. (I explain the difference between a general and particular morality in my new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.)

Our society believes lies that are born in unlove, and when God’s people enter into agreement, a contradiction of conscience that is in a state of constant confusion would have to be a reality. When you live according to society’s ways and patterns while still expecting a godly outcome, you’re going to be sadly confused and disappointed. You will have to form some sort of “salvation” or “cover” plan as you continue to live on the precarious ledge of the unknown. Your newly-adopted belief system becomes a sort of false gospel, providing you with a measure of comfort.

Responsible Biblical Parenting Is Heart-Level Work

While, it’s still up to children to make decisions about serving the Lord, adopt their parents’ biblical values for themselves, grow their own faith in God, and so on, when we work with God, there are many, many things parents can do to sow true seeds of biblical values and faith to ensure the outcome of their parenting efforts. The price to form Christlike moral character places self-sacrifice at the core of our efforts, because the sowing we do is not informational, but relational at the heart-level.

Since this isn’t a pretty vision to embrace from the outset when the family’s moral culture is in need of work,  few are willing to embrace it. God can and will redeem what is lost when we cooperate with His ways of reconciliation. But if you are reading this, then I don’t believe you really want to be using God’s generous grace as a license to live and parent in your own ways.

Be encouraged that God doesn’t leave things to chance nor does He provide guidance for living, relating, and parenting just to pull a nasty surprise on us. The real problem is that we believe so many lies while failing to understand how He wants to work in our lives to bring about the fruit we hope for.

“Do not be deceived and deluded and misled; God will not allow Himself to be sneered at (scorned, disdained, or mocked by mere pretensions or professions, or by His precepts being set aside.) [He inevitably deludes himself who attempts to delude God.] For whatever a man sows, that and that only is what he will reap.”          ~ Galatians 6:7

A Practical Gospel that Changes Lives

We can believe the Gospel and it’s practical bearing on our lives. There are many specific biblical relational patterns that we can learn right now that when followed will reap the fruit of deep family bonds and children who mature the way we hope for them. We simply need to get on board with God, let Him work in our hearts first through His influence on our conscience, and then we’ll know how to reach the hearts of our children. Reaping the pleasant fruit of children who walk closely with the Lord and with their family will be ours depending on how we choose to sow as we live our lives—either for ourselves in selfishness and excuses or for Him in love and self-sacrifice.

You can receive God’s assurance when you are allowing Him to work in your own heart! As He’s done for me, He’ll certainly do for you as well. My new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith, is an in-depth look into God’s heart-level process for transferring biblical moral values to your children.

~ Marilyn

Read Marilyn’s New Book

Empowering the Transfer to Moral Values and Faith is Marilyn Howshall’s newest book. Situations like yours are common among Christian parents, and common among homeschooling parents. We’ve done all the things we thought would cause our children to adopt our values, such as courting a Christian, pursuing valuable purpose, and maintaining close relationships. We want our children’s faith in the Lord to be real so that it inspires them toward the same values that our faith has led us to. I did the same.

I made sure my children were in church and in Sunday School. Our family had devotions every night before bed. The kids memorized lots of Scripture, and attended the mid-week kids’ programs. I taught the kids about the Bible, and we had Christian content in our homeschool subjects. We listened to Christian music, and I used Bible verses when I confronted their various behaviors as they grew. When they were older I led my kids to be involved in helping out and serving in the church. I expected my children to be obedient, and I believed that if they were obedient when they were young, they would follow through and continue to be submitted and obedient as they grew.

Still I found that as my children approached the teenage years, they began to resist and reject my input and my instruction. My son began to lie to me, and my daughter began to argue against my input for her. The failure of my parenting to effectively transfer my values, as well as my faith, to my children didn’t become apparent until around age 13 and 14. No one knew about the resistance except me.  They loved their involvement in church, and they were always eager to be there.  They were friendly and sociable to people outside of our family. We remained a model family in our church and homeschool circles even though I was beginning to fear that I was losing them.

In Marilyn’s new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith, she shows why these commonly used parenting practices don’t produce an effective transfer of Moral Values and Faith. She writes about God’s Moral standard of love and how God intended for us to transfer it to our children. Marilyn presents 8 challenging ideas to lead parents toward a process of allowing God to transfer His values first to us as the parent, so we will have the wisdom to successfully transfer them to our children.

I highly recommend Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.  You can learn more about the book here.       ~ Barbie Poling

When I stopped blogging, it was Christmastime, and I was taking a break from blogging in order to be with my family and soak in the fun and love of the holidays.

Since last summer, Marilyn Howshall and I have been slowly working behind the scenes on putting together the Seven Seasons to LYFE program (Liberate Your Family’s Education) which is a program of Lifestyle of Learning Ministries—Influential Parenting’s sister ministry. Soon after Christmas, we made the decision to begin a Seven Seasons to LYFE pilot program with local people. We knew that having a real group of people would help us to make the program as practical as possible.

Since we began the local program, our workload has increased considerably! This is really the main reason I have not been blogging. I intend to start blogging again, however, I’m going to start blogging on the Lifestyle of Learning Ministries blog. We’re very excited about how the program is coming together, and we want to share our excitement with you.

I’ve been working with my son Phillip developing logos, color schemes and a new website for the new program. I’ve been helping Marilyn with editing and updating all the Lifestyle of Learning books. Together we’ve been preparing messages for each week’s meeting which we will begin to turn into power point presentations, and video messages.  We’ve been building a series of practical actions steps, assignments and assessments for the program, and I’ve been working at learning something I’ve NEVER been interested in, and that’s marketing.

On the Lifestyle of Learning Ministries blog, I’ll be writing about my thoughts and experiences with the process of preparing the Seven Seasons to LYFE program. You can also follow our progress us on Lifestyle of Learning Twitter, and Facebook.

Loving admonishment and correction are good and necessary for the Christian life—for ALL Christians. Admonishment means to warn or notify of a fault, to counsel against wrong practices, to caution or advise, to instruct or direct. Admonishing one another is something that we are commanded to do for one another out of love.

”Let the word [spoken by] Christ (the Messiah) have its home [in your hearts and minds] and dwell in you in [all its] richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom in spiritual things…..” Collossians 3:16

“Therefore encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and edify (strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing.” 1 Thess 5:11

“…..warn (admonish, urge, and encourage) one another every day, as long as it is called Today, that none of you may be hardened [into settled rebellion] by the deceitfulness of sin [by the fraudulence, the stratagem, the trickery which the delusive glamor of his sin may play on him].” Hebrews 3:13

Correction means to bring to the standard of truth, justice, or suitableness, appropriateness or accuracy. It means to bring another to a standard of conduct and habitual manners that lines up with the moral law, which is God’s law of love. Correcting unloving behavior in those that need to be corrected is an act of love that we as believers are also called to. It is Christlike and kind to bring loving correction.

“….. [Whether it is convenient or inconvenient, whether it is welcome or unwelcome, you as preacher of the Word are to show people in what way their lives are wrong.] And convince them, rebuking and correcting, warning and urging and encouraging them, being unflagging and inexhaustible in patience and teaching.” 2 Tim 4:2

“Let the righteous man smite and correct me–it is a kindness.” Ps 141:5

Unfortunately, many of us have never witnessed or experienced LOVING correction coming from another human being. Instead we’ve experienced judgment, petty criticalness, and rejection believing these activities to be correction when they are not. Even our parent/child relationships are soured by corrective words being delivered with the parent’s selfish irritation, anger, shaming, and belittling. None of these activities are LOVING admonishment or correction.

Loving admonishment and correction come from one who has overcome, and knows the way to help another. They are delivered in self-sacrificial grace and understanding. They come from one who has been there before and has been rescued and longs to see another experience that same freedom.

A common false teaching embraced by many across the church teaches that women believers are somehow exempt from or extremely limited in these commands to bring loving admonishment and correction, and that the husband/wife relationship is also exempt from these loving activities if the husband is the one who needs to be admonished or corrected. These teachings are all wrapped up in a misunderstanding of what submission actually is.

Ephesians 5:18-23 is one of the 2 Scripture passages where Paul urges women to submit to their husbands. The other is in Colossians and is an echo of the passage in Ephesians. Twisted legalistic thinking about what it means to submit leads married women to ignore all other passages where we are commanded to love, admonish and correct, do good, meet needs and bless others including our husbands. It is not helpful or a blessing to leave your husband trapped in his sin when you have the ability to help him see by lovingly admonishing and correcting him. This legalistic thinking also leads many husbands to wrongly believe that they are exempt from receiving admonishment and correction from the one who could help them the most. They find their excuse to keep sinning against their family in a wrong understanding of biblical submission.

Ephesians 5:21 commands us all to submit to one another “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Clearly the Greek word used in this passage—hupotassomai—translated here as “submit” does not indicate any sort of authority or obedience, for it would be impossible for everyone to be in authority over everyone and for all of us to obey one another. Similarly the command here for believers to submit to one another does not nullify all other scriptural commands to love by discipling, admonishing, correcting, and meeting true needs.

John Temple Bristow in his book What Paul Really said about Women states,

“(hupotassomai) serves as a military term, referring to taking a position in a phalanx of soldiers.  In this sense, there is not reference to any idea of rank or status—it was an equal sharing of the task for which the soldiers were ordered. If a soldier failed to join the others, or held back during an advance, a captain might use a form of the verb hupotassomai to order him to return to the line, join his fellows, be supportive of them and fulfill his part of the assignment.

In that sense, Paul could tell all the members of the church to be subject to (hupotassomai) one another, and he could also tell wives to do the same,  for hupotassomai is not a ranker of persons as ruler and ruled. It is a concise appeal for the church to have its members live out their call to be the body of Christ and individually members of it.”

In a Roman phalanx of soldiers, the front row of soldiers holds up their body length shields in front of them locking them tight together and impenetrable while the second and successive rows of soldiers raise their body length shields up to create the effect of a roof over themselves and the soldiers in front of them.  As the soldiers advance together or stand in defense, they act as a team for the mutual protection of each other. If a particular soldier fails to do his part, the others around him are left undefended and vulnerable. They must act as a team (hupotassomai) “be submitted to one another” in order to succeed in their mission, and stay alive.

If we consider that the command to submit to one another is similar to taking up our place in a line of soldiers to do our part, then it can be easily said that anyone who fails to hupotassomai is neglecting and abandoning his fellow soldiers leaving them open to attack or even death. This soldier could be said to be acting in irresponsible selfish independence.

Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians includes the husband/wife relationship in his admonishment to hupotassomai one another. In essence, a wife who abandons her husband to his sin, thinking that she is not supposed to address it or even encourages it by her service to it like I used to do, is actually being an unsubmitted, independently selfish wife. The wife who believes that she has no responsibility to lovingly admonish and correct her husband and to help him out of sin is abandoning him, leaving him open and vulnerable to attack, and failing to hupotassomai.

Paul was not placing wives under husbands, but was actually raising them up from their cultural position in the Greek world as less than slaves to take their place as partners with their husbands. Paul’s admonishment that wives should take their place in line as fellow soldiers next to their husbands would have been highly offensive to worldly unbelieving men of that time, suggesting that a woman, whom their culture considered to be dirt, should become their mutual partner.

I find it ironic that my testimony of repenting of my selfish ways and becoming an actual help and partner to my husband resulting in his freedom from sin and his reconciled relationships with my children, myself, and the Lord should be labeled as unsubmissive. In actuality, I moved from being unsubmitted and self-focused to being hupotassomai with my husband as the Scripture in Ephesians and Colossians commands.

Wives, how about you? Are you willing to hupotassomai your husbands and take on your responsibility of seeking the Lord on their behalf, and obeying him by helping your husband out of his unloving sinful behaviors?

Other good books on this subject: Ten Lies the Church Tells Women—J. Lee Grady, Why Not Women—Loren Cunningham and David Joel Hamilton, From Bondage to Blessing—Dee Alei

Some of you have read my story of my husband’s four day long grudge and wondered, “Why didn’t you just tell him why the branches were still on the road? Why didn’t you just let him know the truth? Why didn’t you just apologize that it didn’t get done? Some of you who are given to irritation, frustration, blaming and anger yourselves may be thinking, “What’s wrong with getting upset about it? It’s understandable. He wanted the branches off the road, and they weren’t gone. That would be upsetting to me.”

My husband entered our branches-left-on-the-road situation with a set of unloving assumptions that were habitual to his way of thinking about life. He assumed that he knew why the branches were still there, and he assumed the worst of me, that it was done maliciously in order to thwart his efforts toward his agenda. These are the kind of assumptions that produce condemning judgment. These kinds of assumptions are rooted in arrogance—the idea that life is “all about me”, and that if I’m having a problem it’s because someone else is stupid or bad, and I know everything.

Based on these assumptions, he produced accusations against me that were completely false—“You don’t care, you didn’t do what you said you would do, you lied.” Based on these lies he rose up to assault me with anger and a demand that I defend myself and be punished, which was apologize and suffer the silent grudge treatment; (apologies had never stopped the silent grudge treatment, so the punishment would be both).  This was another lie that he believed—he had the right to accuse and judge me and demand my defense and execute punishment for me.

No one can listen to or hear the truth (an honest explanation of motivations and perspectives from the other person) when their mind is full of self-centered assumptions, arrogant anger, blame, judgment and self-exaltation of this nature. He was in complete error in every way. If I had defended myself against his lies by trying to explain what had happened, I would be participating with him in error and lies. I would be agreeing with him that he was right to assume he was my judge and my accuser. This is why I did not defend myself or agree with his punishment that I needed to make an apology.

Assuming, accusing and judging are what the Pharisees regularly did to Jesus. Jesus did not behave as though they actually had the right to speak to him as they did in judgment, demanding his defense. He refused to answer their demanding questions and told them the truth of what they were doing instead. He sometimes simply remained silent; (see Matt 12:34-40;15:1-9 Luke 11:53-54 among many others).

When people get irritated, frustrated and angry they are choosing to respond to the situations of life with personal offense. This is the same thing as unforgiveness, resentment and bitterness. These are all issues of the heart that are coming from within the angry person. Anger, frustration and irritation are NEVER caused by the situation or any of the other people involved, even when there is carelessness or sinfulness involved. Self-centered offended irritation and anger are ALWAYS wrong, unChristlike and unloving responses; (see Luke 6:35).

The branches, my lack of informing him, the bulldozer guy coming—none of these things caused Tim’s untruthful blaming, anger and judgment. I did not cause it. The branches did not cause it. His lack of information did not cause it. It was his habitual choice to make assumptions, take up offense and dish out blame and punishment. He told himself that we were the cause and in this way he justified it to himself. “I wouldn’t have to get mad if you hadn’t…..” His belief that we were the cause of his habitual anger was another lie.

Telling Tim what had really happened would not have dispelled his anger, because his anger wasn’t based in truth or caused by the circumstances, it was coming from within him. He learned the truth through the kids conversation at dinner, and he still clung to his blaming accusations and punishment for me. We easily accomplished the task in plenty of time the next morning, and he still clung to his grudge. His assumptions were more important to him than the truth of what actually happened. His assumptions and offense prevented him from being loving to the kids and to me. His assumptions prevented him from being Christlike.

My previous ways of relating didn’t help him see the lies he was believing, but instead I fostered them and nurtured them by believing them too and saying he was justified to be angry with us, by engaging with him in his accusing judgmental exchanges, by apologizing according to his blame, and by doing everything I possibly could do to keep him from being angry in the first place (which never worked by the way).

With my help accompanied with the teaching he was receiving in our discipleship group with the Howshalls, Tim conquered all of these relational habits. Over the next year and a half as I continued to confront him with the truth about his behavior he came to realize that he was tearing us down in order to build himself up. He let go of his arrogant assumptions. He came to examine himself whenever he recognized that he was feeling frustrated, and there he found the real self-seeking source of his anger and he repented. He learned to love me and the kids more than himself and his agenda. He came to be reconciled to the Lord. He came to be intensely grateful for my loving help for him.

This is what love would have looked like in our branches-on-the-road situation. Tim would have come home, seen the branches, and he would have automatically assumed that something happened that he did not know about to keep me or the boys from getting the branches off the road. He would have trusted my intentions toward him and our circumstances and automatically assumed the best of me. He would have walked in with concern, desiring to understand. He would have said, “Is everything alright? I thought you guys were going to get the branches off the road today.” I would have been totally free to invite him into comforting the boys. He would have been able to connect with them in their concerns and showered us all with forgiveness and understanding that had already been in place, which is grace. This is how he behaves now—always. Instead of assuming the worst of us, accusing and punishing, he exerts his concern to know and understand what concerns us and care about all of it with us. This is true love, and it produces true and lasting peace.

Are you participating in lies with someone who controls you? Are you keeping them trapped in their sin with your part of the habitual relational interchanges? Are you walking in arrogance, assumptions, and accusations punishing those around you with demands or the silent grudge treatment?

God’s ways of growth and change are relational. Won’t you let Him teach you how to strip off your selfish habits and relate rightly in love, blessing others and meeting their true needs?

P.S. My husband Tim gives me full permission and his blessing to share these stories about our past. We hope these stories will help others to see controlling and being controlled behaviors in their lives, and come to repentance and reconciliation with the Lord and with the people in their lives.